Destination? Unknown.

My eyes have been opened to destiny, but I cannot simply rely upon a dream.

Last night, I was on the campus of ORU (Oral Roberts University). Apparently, I had enrolled as a student. I had only just arrived and not moved anything into my dorm when I had to leave for a required chapel service. I rushed out of my room and forgot something, so I had to go back. I rushed out again, and realized I forgot the same thing again. I did this maybe four more times before I was finally on my way to the chapel. Of course, I was late when I got there and I found out that it was an orientation for freshman and first-year students. As I looked in the auditorium at the empty freshie seats, I thought, “Can I do this for four more years? Yes. Yes, I can.” Within my heart, I had such a great passion for whatever I was learning that I was willing to go through four more years of school, even though that meant I would be around 30 by the time of completion.

Absolutely none of that dream made sense. For one, I would never (and I would have said, “in my wildest dreams,” but, hey, would you look at that!) attend ORU. Secondly, I decided in my fifth and final year of college that that was all the school I could hack. I had no desire to take one more class, much less commit to four more years of school. And, thirdly, I had no idea what in the world I was going to school for. But ever since I woke up, I have felt God tugging me toward biblical counseling. I have no idea what that means or what it fully entails. On the surface, it sounds great. Yeah! Getting to counsel people from the Bible and teaching them one-on-one or one-on-two about the ways of God and His desires for them! But if that is biblical counseling, then what is to keep me from doing it right now without any schooling? With that question, I just have to stop the train of my naïve stupidity. Of course there I things that I don’t know and that I haven’t yet figured out. There is so much about life in general that I have yet to learn, and biblical counseling is something so specific that I don’t even know where to begin. Online school seems preposterous to me, but any schooling of that magnitude would require my indebtedness to someone else. In all my years of school, not once did I rack up any debt. One big reason for not going to law school after graduation was that I had no desire to go into debt for schooling that would waste my current potential and postpone the ministry God has for me… But what if my ministry has been postponed already? What if it was simply postponed until I could get this figured out; that God wants me to take a step of faith into a pool of debt? When I phrase the questions that way, the answers seem to be a positive and outright, “No!” But what if the questions were phrased differently? “What if God wants my college experience to be my new ministry? What if He wants me to get this one thing figure out; that I am indebted to Him and that He provides?”

I know a few things for sure. First, I am passionate about the Word of God and what He is saying to me and to the entire world. Secondly, a dream is always up to interpretation, and cannot be taken as a command from God. It can be seen as an inspiration, but that does not mean that comes from God. If it truly comes from God, then it will come to fruition and glorify the King and not me. Thirdly, I did pray for God to guide me in His intended direction for me through my dreams before I went to sleep last night. I wanted inspirational direction of where God wanted me to go and what He wanted me to do. Well, I have most certainly been inspired, but I have also just been confused. So, I am going to take a step back and take the dream apart piece by piece.

The dream started with me in a parking lot and then walking a long way to get to my dorm. I went there by myself, with no family or friends to help move me in. When I finally got to my building, I saw some closer parking spots, so I decided that I would definitely have to park there before I started unloading anything. When I got to my dorm, I met my roommate, but she looked more like a Goth than a lover of Christ. When I heard about the chapel or orientation meeting, I told her that I didn’t really catalog the fact that being part of a Christian school meant required chapels. After I said that, she was gone in a flash, but I was left rushing, thinking of things that I would need and then going through the back-and-forth of forgetting something I needed, remembering it, forgetting, and remembering, until I was finally ready to leave. In that time of going back and forth, not once did I grab my Bible. I don’t really know what was going through my brain, but the Lord was not my focus. When I finally got to the auditorium for freshman orientation, I had the revelation that I really could go to school for four more years, but that seems like such a narrow-minded thing to think, as though going to school would be God’s perfect will for me and I could only do and learn what I needed to through four years of classes.

Perhaps the more important thing that I can learn through this dream is that God does want something different for me. It may entail what I had previously thought an impossibility. It may also mean that I face it alone, without any friends or family to back me up. Though, that wouldn’t matter in my heart, because God has my back. The matter of time would also not matter, even if that means it would take more four years to complete or even to start. But in the chaos of striving for God’s perfect will, I cannot forget that there is no way for me to do this of my own strength. Let me forget everything else, but remember Jesus, and just go where he sends me. No matter what, the mission or ministry I will be sacrificing for is worth it, and I can get it done, not because I am wise or strong, but because God has called me, and He will provide for everything in every step of the way. Hahaha! I still have no idea what God desires most from me, but I am praying for a heart of preparedness; that I would be faithful, available, and teachable (FAT) in the ways of Christ.

Dear Jesus, I sit here, uncertain. I pray that you would lift the veil that hides my eyes and heart from your perfect will for me and from a desire for your perfect will. I need to go, but I do not know where or how. Please show me the way and provide the way. Mostly, help me just to have faith that you will provide. I love You, Jesus. Your plans and ways still astound me, but I rest on You. Amen and Amen.

Sometimes, I have these dreams that leave me feeling like they are totally going to happen. And even if they aren’t going to happen, I get this feeling like I am supposed to make them happen.

If I had a dream about skydiving, then I would probably want to go skydiving for real and it would happen within the year. Last night’s dream was a lot like skydiving, only, it may be a lot more expensive and a lot further out of my way… But maybe it’s about time I went out of my way and out of my mind, and into the Way and heart of my Savior; trusting His insane design.

I will not be jumping out of a plain any time soon, but the itch is there. If God wishes this itch to persist, then I know that He will provide a way. Right now, I am just actively watching and praying… There is just so much to do, and no knowledge of a time frame.

I am a bird
This little bird is perched on a chain. It has no wings, nor does it have a brain. There are no songs it sings, only those heard in dreams. One day, this chain will break and wings will form. What was once dead will be reborn and granted a new name. The voice, once silent, will not be restrained; it will sing of freedom, of flight, and of a land worth dying for. His eye is on the sparrow; I know He watches me… I am a bird upon a chain, but my Savior carries me, breathes life into me, and causes me to sing. One day, I will fly on my own, but until that day, my Savior’s hand will hold this heart, guide this soul, and I will eternally breathe in His grace, endless grace. The world says I am not alive, but, oh, how little do they know. If only they had eyes to see and ears to hear…

 

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