I tend to start a lot of blog posts without finishing.
My editing process goes like this: I start writing a paragraph, suddenly stop feeling that theme, so I go to another concept or theme. If I don’t feel that theme, then I start another post until I find one where I can hit the ground running and basically write an entire post in one sitting. Meanwhile, the posts where I wrote a paragraph or two just sit there; incomplete thoughts that I don’t feel like going back to. Sometimes, I go back and complete the thought and actually end up posting it on the interwebs, but that is the exception, not the rule.
Right now, over 12 incomplete drafts are collecting dust, but I can’t bring myself to delete them, because they are all part of the diary of my life.
The posts that make it onto my blog are really pages straight out of my diary; they are the way that I process my faith and what God is teaching me. When I share them, it is simply another step in that process.
I was going to stop right there, just to prove my point, but instead, I want to share with you a couple of tidbits from the incomplete writings from life. Maybe this way, you can get a little taste of what it means to be incomplete, yet completely whole:
If I had not gone to that school for my last two years of college, I would not be the woman I am today. If not for FCA, my track team, and my classes there, I would not have grown in confidence in my faith and in the knowledge of the truth. Looking back, I see the benefits of going to college and of sticking it out, but looking forward only seems to fester those feelings of inexpressible fear and apprehension. How could I get a masters, work, spend time with friends, work out, spend time with family, and still have time for rest? It seems impossible that I could go back to school now… but I don’t know if God has something else planned. I don’t want to get in His way. And I know that I cannot get in His way. No matter how I feel or what I think, God will fulfill His plan and purpose in me. My reluctance and fear has never stood up to the will of my Abba before.
I hear You call me across the desert sands.
All I see is baroness, loss, yet You call me on;
Not to more baron and hopeless lands,
But to a land of milk and honey, towards the Son.
The truth of what You say pierces my soul,
You tell me that this water is not enough.
No, I need living water, not known by the world.
I need You, Jesus… my Bread, my Love.
If it was pouring rain today, I would step outside with my smiley face umbrella and go for a walk in the park. I would wear running shoes, find a big puddle, stand in the middle of it, and look down. It is there that I would see my face, smiling or taciturn.
As I ponder my face, I would feel the water soaking my shoes, socks, and engulfing my feet. But all of that feeling would pail next to the moving picture of my reflection, being struck again and again by little water bombs. But those bombs can’t really touch me; I would be shielded underneath a smiley face umbrella. No rain could reach my forehead, eyes, or lips. Even the water in which I stand could not hold me or harm me; it’s just water. Of course, given too much water, I could drown, and if I did not have an umbrella, I would be getting pretty soaked all over. But the “what ifs” of life are a lie: reflections in the water, reflections in the mirror.
I write too much. That is the feeling I am starting to get. Between Facebook posts and my blog, I could have a fairly large book completed already. But these musings are haphazard and not like a continuous thought… Or so I thought.
Within the next hundred or so pages, you will read what God has placed on my heart for the past seven years of my life. Though once haphazard, they have been made one unit, because there is one overarching theme; “Christ in me, the hope of glory.”
Jesus has been my steadfast friend and guide for the past 19 years of my life. I have fallen away from Him so many times, yet He keeps drawing me back by His grace.
What I want you to get through these pages is that faith is a process. Salvation is complete in Christ, but the walk of a sheep that has been found is shaky at times. Don’t be afraid of the process of growing closer to Jesus; it is far better to dive in than to “wait until you’re ready.” The honest truth is that you are never ready for the honest truth, but there is freedom found in honesty. And more than freedom, there is life found in honesty.
May you find life in these pages, as I found life through every time that Jesus picked me up. God has always been faithful and He always will be. Amen.
Dear Jesus, I don’t want the sin in my life to be like that stupid cat. May I never even open the door, much less feed the sinful desire in me. I would consider myself a gentle person, but my anger towards that cat is uncontrollable; I pray it would be that way for my sin and not for another living creature. Abba, I want to be mad at the sin that comes knocking at my door. Give me the courage and the passion to kick it away, so that it knows, so that Lucifer knows, he has no home here. Jesus, this is Your house, Your dwelling place. Make it holy as You are holy. Continue to purify me and point me in the way I should go. I want to be more like You, Jesus. I love You more than life. Please take away this hatred and anger in my heart and direct it towards what is truly worthy of my hatred and anger, but may those feelings never consume me or define the day You have given. Amen.
You are not less of a person for not having a boyfriend or a girlfriend to love and not having someone who professes their love for you; you are so greatly loved, no matter your relationship status, and you still have so much love to give.
There is no such thing as an easy fix.
I don’t have a crush on Jesus. I don’t go weak at the knees when I pray to Him and talk with Him. My mind doesn’t turn to mush when I read His Word and worship Him. Because, in doing all of those things, I admit to a certainty in my faith; I am certain that Jesus loves me, wants the best for me, and provides for my every need. I cannot compare Him to a crush. All I can say is that having a crush on someone is a pretty fickle feeling, especially when I am in Jesus’ presence. He is worth being weak at the knees for. He is worth being made a fool of in front of thousands of people. Even when I am weak and beyond the hope of men, Jesus steps in to hold me up and He gives me the words to say and the courage to speak.
I would never survive in the wild.
Rape, murder, genocide, abortion, pride, war, lust, prostitution, homosexuality, lukewarm faith, famine, pestilence, earthquakes, and persecution: all these things are drums, drums in the deep that signal the end of something.
As humans, we have this desire to make things better and to better ourselves. But the definition of “better” has changed over the years, and will continue to change, and not for the better. Already, things that were undeniably wrong and abhorrent 50 years ago are now accepted, or the punishment for such acts are a slap on the wrist, rather than a seat in the electric chair. I am grateful for grace and second chances, but God knows the heart of man, and is able to give grace and punishment in a measure that leads to growth. But the judges and leaders of this age have no idea the depths of the darkness in the hearts of men, and they would give grace that would only lead to the destruction of the sinful soul and the souls of those they have harmed.
Chains, soft and smooth, they never chafe, but keep me from jumping too high or leaving the ground altogether. Dreams are dust that piles up until it’s blown away by the wind of reality. I want to soar, I want to travel, and I want to love like I have never loved, but these chains make me comfortable in the dust.
If any of these lines of thought caught your eye and you would like to see them completed, then leave a comment or send me a message. The truth is, if I have motivation outside of myself to complete something or dive into something, then I am more likely to do it.